r4ndom h4x

How do you create an annoying virtual world? Simple. Try to make it like the real world, only add limitations.

If you don’t know what I’m on about, Playstation Home is a free virtual world thingy on the PS3. It can best be described as a collection of mini games with an awkward chat client and some Sony (and Sony friends) adverts. Compelling is a word that does not get used to describe Playstation Home.

To be fair, it is technically still in Beta. But the word Beta has lost so much meaning since Google basically making everything Beta for years on end. I think Google’s definition of Beta is “we are still adding features, not sure when we will be finished”. And I think that sums it up for PS Home as well – still adding features.

But, c’mon – please help me here. First up : avatars. They are not nearly customisable enough – not at all. For the most part, the average PS Home avatar looks like it could star in an episode of Beverly Hills 90210 (or whatever the kids are watching these days.. get off my lawn!! Damn kids.) That’s not to say that it is diffcult to make an ugly avatar – just that the creation process is too locked down. It’s a virtual world, right? Why do I have to conform to a small selection of approved noses? Why can’t I be two feet high? Or ten feet high? Or non-human? I realise there need to be some boundaries, but they need to make the boundaries wider.

Next up : movement. Why oh why can I not jump? Is there some sort of freakish gravity problem? And sometimes moving between spaces requires a loading screen (for example, walking up the stairs in EA’s little section of home). Annoying. It spoils the experience. And speaking of “other sections” – it would be nice if they could all tie together. So for example, to get to the Red Bull area there is a door or elevator or train or tube (picture Futurama) that zooms me over to it. It’s a virtual world. Get it? World. Not several little disconnected environments where the only common link between them is a loading screen.

Next : games. There’s many little mini-games in Home. None of which would stand by themselves, but the price of admission is good. But do you know how many of them I’ve actually played? A handful. The reason is – get this – because there is always a line up. Bowling? Line up. Poker (in EA’s area)? Line up. Racing? (EA’s area again).. you get the idea. Okay, so you can normally get a table to play checkers.  Now I might be missing something, but I’m pretty sure the last time I looked this was a virtual world. Stop trying to tie it back to the real world. If a group of people want to play bowling, then just frickin spawn a new bowling alley. If it really has to have a virtual space, then spawn some stairs and make another level to the bowling alley. Real estate is cheap when you’re god.

In the end, I wonder what Home is intended for at all. I notice Free Realms went open beta recently – and I immediately created an account (but it won’t run on my linux laptop.. oh well..!). Free Realms will have a PS3 port available – and from what I hear the game is far better than any of the Home games – and it has the same price (free..). So when Free Realms arrives for the PS3, what’s left for Home? Will it just become a place to look at Sony adverts and lament how much time and money has been spent on it? Or will Home evolve into something that is actually, umm, fun? My guess is the former. And it disappoints me, because I want to like it.