r4ndom h4x

Family Guy is almost the biggest pile of shit ever made.

The Cleveland Show is the biggest pile of shit ever made.

American Dad is the least offensive, but that is like saying one cat shit smells less than another cat shit. It’s still shit.

Seth MacFarlane, please just stop. Sorry, dude, but it’s not funny. It’s not clever. It pushes no boundaries, adds nothing to the art of comedy. It’s just a steaming pile of shit.

Just so long as we’re clear.

It’s just a random thought. I was watching “Who want to be a Millionaire”. The next contestant rocks up and reveals himself (not literally!) to be an Arts Student.

And that’s when it hit me. That show seems to have an abundance of arts students.

Then I wondered, what does an arts student do and why do we (as in society) need so many? Doctors I can understand. Plumbers. Gynaecologists. Gardeners.

Arts student? I mean, sure – we probably need some, or there’d be no-one to work in telephone call centres.

In Feb of this year I cancelled my fixed phone at home and migrated to a Naked Extreme plan from local ISP, Internode.

If only it were that simple. The Internode part went fine -  my Internet was down for maybe five minutes or so.

But for some reason Telstra DID NOT cancel my previous fixed phone line. I called them mid-February to cancel, the call attendant spent a couple of minutes trying to talk me out of it before finally telling me “okay, I’ve cancelled it – give it a couple of days and phone back if the dial-tone is still there”.

Except, I couldn’t check if the dial-tone was still there because the line had been physically removed from my premises. It didn’t exist. Not there. Removed. Gone. The “new” line that was installed actually replaced my old one – it saved the linesman from running a new pair of copper to my house.

A couple of weeks later, Telstra send me another bill. I phone AND email them. The email was worthless since all the reply said was “you are still getting billed because your phone line is not cancelled.”. Wow. Thanks. Useless pricks.

The phone call had more success though- I got through to some guy in India who proudly proclaimed that the problem was now fixed and my line will be cancelled.

Then another bill arrived. Another phone call to India – apparently it wasn’t really cancelled after all. It took another few minutes and, again, the call attendant again proudly proclaimed that it was really cancelled this time. When I asked him what I should do if it wasn’t actually cancelled and I get billed for another month he simply said “phone us again”.

Today, another bill arrived. It looks like the third call to Telstra did the trick – the bill is no longer increasing in size and I’m not being billed for April. A small win – although it’s still not correct – Telstra are still charging me for March (I initially cancelled the service in Feb).

So another call to Telstra, another guy in India. It turns out that “the system” doesn’t show my first call on record. So they don’t believe me when I tell them that I asked to disconnect the phone in Feb.

I really don’t think I’m going to win this one – clearly the system is infullible and all employees strictly follow procedure and don’t make errors.

This is the reason Tesltra will die. The whole organisation is entrenched with some sort of holier-than-thou attitude; decades of being the only choice anyone ever had has infected it like some pus-ridden scab on a child’s knee.

“I’m sorry, it’s nothing personal but the system shows you disconnected in March. Is there anything else I can do for you sir?” the faceless Telstra India call centre operative asks. “Yes, actually. Stick the bill up your arse.  Nothing personal.”

When one company does something that wipes the competition off the map it is inevitable that the competitors will try and copy it.

Usually, devices evolve over time and improve in performance or price. Nintendo decided to buck the trend and aimed for mediocrity with the Wii. And it worked for them – the wii has been a stellar sales success. Even I bought one.

It’s no secret, then, that Microsoft wants a piece of that action. And Sony, too.

But here is the rub. One of my gripes with the Wii is that the control scheme means that game developers feel compelled to use it. Even when it adds nothing to the experience. Wii Tennis? Sure, that works. Boom Blocks? Yup, seems to work tickety boo. Mario Kart? Nope. No More Heroes (cmon, it’s got swords!! It must work!)….. nope.

Do I try to play a driving game with a keyboard? No. I’m sure some PC users do that, but real gamers would have a wheel or a gamepad – depending on the type of driving game we’re talking about. The Wii remote is not a steering wheel. Please, give up on it.

And secondly, when I want to sit down and play a few games I simply don’t want to waggle my ass, or gyrate my wrist, or shake my nunchuck or whatever. It does not add to the game, it gets annoying very quickly.

So will the new Xbox 360 waggle controller/weight training/DDR controller have any positive effect on the sales of the 360? Nope. Will it stop people buying and a Wii. Nope. Will the PS3 be a better machine if it had more waggle (since the six-axis controller already has some motion)? Nope. Do I forsee Minority-report interfaces for everyone? No idea.

The thing that sells Wii’s is Wii Sports. And probably Mario Kart. And parents that know nothing about games “know” Nintendo and trust them with the welfare of their darling child’s fragile mind. That’s what sells Wii.

If Sony wants to sell more PS3’s (and why not, it’s a great console and media centre) then here is the plan:

1. Good games. Honestly, I’d tick this one off for now as it looks like some kick-ass games are coming out. But momentum needs to be maintained.
2. Advertise it like you love it. In Australia, I don’t think I have ever seen a PS3 advert. Sony seems to not advertise it very well, if at all. That needs to change. Awareness must be raised.
3. Encourage the indy games guys & girls. This seems to be moving along slowly – the PSN has a few gems that break outside of the norms. But if it were opened up even more then some gold might come out. Small, cheap games from small developers. But it needs to be worth their while to develop the stuff too.
4. Embrace the past. Every PS3 can play PS1 games. So why are there hardly any PS1 games on the PSN? Surely this is almost free money?
5. Value add. The box that the PS3 comes in should include at least one good game. Or two. And an HDMI cable. I have no idea on how much it would cost to add a couple of games, but I know the cable would be dirt cheap. And when you think that each game is at least AU$80 (for a triple-A game) it starts to make sense. How about a bluetooth headset? Different colours? Two contorollers standard (because parents will notice that).
6. Devalue the competition. I don’t mean spewing abuse – I mean point out the areas the PS3 is strong. People do compare the PS3 to an Xbox360 Arcade. Parents have no idea. So point out the hard drive size, make a big deal about it. Draw attention to the included Wi-Fi, the DivX certification, the free PSN, folding@home, half-decent web browser etc. Include words like “parental lock-out contol” on the box.

And when you’ve sussed out that, apply it to the PSP as well!

Do you ride a Harley Davidson? Then there is a higher than average chance that you might be a Dickhead. Let me explain.

I’ve been riding motorbikes on the road for about 22 years or so. I’ve owned Suzukis, a big & heavy Kawasaki GPz900 (was a great bike though!), and a couple of Ducati’s. I currently ride a Ducati 900SS. It is not unusual at all to be riding your bike, stop at the lights and when another bike pulls up alongside you have a little chat. Normally something like- “G’day mate” – “Hi” – “Nice bike” – “Thanks. Did you see that wanker in the Nissan Silvia?”  etc etc

Or perhaps you’ll be riding along and you see a bike travelling in the other direction – it’s perfectly normal to give and recieve a little nod. I guess it’s just a little way to acknowledge the other person’s choice of transport or something.

Unless the other bike in question is a Harley Davidson. I can count the number of times a Harley rider has acknowledged my existence on one hand. In fact, on one finger. Once, at the lights, I said hello (as I usually do) and the Harley rider actually replied. I swear, it’s the first and only time its ever happened.

And it’s not just greetings that Harley riders often can’t manage, but common courtesy. For example, let’s say you’re riding on the road and you happen to end up riding in a group of a couple or more riders. It is common sense that the lead rider should assume the primary position on the road – the position that provides the rider with the greatest visibility and safety. The second rider would then usually assume the next-favoured position – ideally in such a way that the lead rider can see them in their mirrors if need be. It’s common sense. It’s courtesy. It doesn’t matter if you know the guy/girl on the bike in front of you.

But, again, my experience has been that Harley riders typically have the brains of a mung fish. They will try and intimidate you. You’ll be riding along and some dick on his Harley splits the lane, cuts you off and slows down. And they expect you’ll bend over and think “oh, well it is a Harley – I’ll let him go”. Wankers.

Now, I know for a fact that not all Harley riders are like this. It would be ridiculous to suggest so. All I’m saying is 22 years of riding. Countless friendly riders of Japanese/Italian/British bikes. One friendly Harley rider.

Therefore, if you ride a Harley Davidson – there’s a much higher than average chance that you’re a dickhead.

The third episode of Max Payne has been announced, but it’s not being developed by Remedy Entertainment (the developers of the first two Max Payne games). Instead, it’s being developed by Rockstar Games- famous for Grand Theft Auto IV, Bully and and Midnight Club.

From my perspective this is bad news.

GTA IV was massive in it’s hype, but at the end of the day I could only force myself through 50% of it before I traded it in. Graphics were average with the occasional nice effect. It tries to tell a story but it’s certainly no RPG. It tries to have car and bike racing, but the physics are awful. It tries a little to be a third-person shooter, but clearly it isn’t. It is the game that survives on the reputation built from it’s former editions and does little to entertain.

Midnight Club: Los Angeles had nice graphics – a vast improvement on GTA IV. But the driving parts still suck (a fatal flaw for a driving game). I think I managed to get through about 4% – it got traded in within a week of buying it. If you want a driving game, check out Burnout Paradise, Grid and Gran Turismo. Forget Midnight Club.

I’ve not played Bully, so I can’t comment.  I do not intend on purchasing it – perhaps if a friend has it I’ll give it a shot.

Rockstar Games seem to make games that sell despite their lack of playability.

I will keep an eye out on the reviews for Max Payne 3, but based upon past experience with this developer, I won’t be buying it.

Telstra can’t seem to work out how to cancel my phone service. Foxtel can’t seem to work out how to cancel my pay-tv service.

I’ve had Foxtel (Australian pay-TV service) for about two years and decided to cancel it about two months ago.

To cancel is easy. Just phone Foxtel, tell them you want to disconnect then argue with the call centre operator while they try and convince you that you should stay – perhaps offering a month free or something else as a sweetener. Once they finally give in, they’ll organise a courier to pick up the equipment on a certain date. The courier arrives, grabs the equipment, scans the barcode label on the SIM from inside the set top box, give you a receipt and away he goes. Simple.

Then, proceed to ignore all the bills that continue to arrive. Yes. They still send me bills for a service I cannot get any more. I did try to phone them to alert them to this fact, but I sat on hold for so long I gave up.

At about the same time, I also installed a new phone line and had it activated as a “Naked” DSL service. I use VoIP exclusively in the home now. I phoned Telstra and asked them to disconnect the phone. This was a simple process and only slightly less painful than cancelling Foxtel. You still have to dance with the operator while they tell you why you should stay. In the end, they give up and cancel the service.

Then, proceed to ignore the bills that continue to arrive. Yes, Telstra still bill me for a service that I don’t use.

I am fucking sick of this shit. The catch with Telstra, of course, is that if I don’t dance for them and jump through all their stupid hoops then there is a chance that all telephony services to my premises will be cancelled. (Actually, not sure if the naked DSL service would get cancelled, but then I don’t want to find out either).

So I try to phone, but they call centre has gone home for the evening. I email a complaint, but I did this more to relieve my annoyance – I don’t expect it to actually achieve anything positive. I log onto their crappy online web site, but I can’t cancel the service there. Naturally I email a complaint about that, too.

The only way to resolve this is to phone the company, jump through their hoops, wait in line, finally get to speak to someone and hope that they actually do what I ask them to do. I’ve already done this once, so what hope is there that they’ll get it right the second time?

Is it co-incidence that Telstra own 50% of Foxtel, and both of their accounts departments seem to be just as incompetent as each other? I have the same problem with both of them.

The Australian Government were fuckwits to sell Telstra in the first place (Thanks Johnny, you little shit monkey!).

“The average motion picture cost the MPAA member companies $96.2 million to make and market in 2005. Six out of ten movies never recoup their original investment. Fewer movies will be made and fewer creative risks will be taken if piracy continues to rob those who invest in movies.”

This is a quote that I lifted from the Motion Picture Association of America’s web page on piracy.

Almost $100 million US dollars? On a movie? And  there is a better chance than not that it won’t make it back? This is easy to fix, folks. Don’t spend so much money on this stupid trash! The world doesn’t really need “legally blonde 2″!

Seriously, the business model needs to change. If it is no longer profitable to do what you’ve always done, then do something else. Stop bitchin’.

Apple iphone.

Ooh, apple made a phone! Who gives a shit?

I agree that the interface is good. I like it. But the rest of it – you know, the bits that make it into a phone – is shit. Wait for version 3 I think.

The surprise isn’t that apple could make a decent interface for a gadget. The surprise is that Nokia, Sony Ericsson and Motorola couldn’t.

iphone headline generator:

10 if ( NewIPhone == True ) then print “Apple releases new iphone that sucks less”
20 print “Apple releases new firmware, blocks jailbroken ipones”
30 print “Hackers release new iphone hack”
40 goto 10

Windows 7.

Ooh, microsoft is making a new operating system! I really don’t give a flying rats arse.

Here’s the thing. Microsoft’s operating systems all eventually kick you in the nuts. Some do it sooner than others. (Vista, Win ME). Why should I celebrate a potential delay to being kicked in the balls? It’s like waking to the realisation that someone is going to bash your head in with a cricket bat but you’re not sure when it’s going to happen.

Future Windows 7 headlines:

“Windows 7 boots [faster|slower] than [XP|linux|Vista|OSX] and uses [less|more] memory”
“Microsoft issues free upgrade to windows 7 for all new PC’s purchased with Vista as of June”
“Windows7 revalidates license every time PC has internet connectivity in name of security”
“Hackers bypass WGA checks.”
“Corporations waiting for SP1 before deploying windows 7″
“Microsoft releases SP1 for Windows 7 early”
“Security vulnerability found in latest service pack. Microsoft knew about it.”
“New poll discovers people would still use Windows98 if it could run latest games”

There. I’m hoping that I can now go through a couple of weeks without having to read any windows or iphone stories. Hopefully the tech news sites can find something else to write about.